I mean, I seriously suck at introductions…
I hate the sound of a cafeteria. Those muddled sounds of conversation, laughter, utensils, etc. make me feel the way the buzzing of a giant horde of bugs probably makes other, more normal people feel. It makes me feel like the new kid in school, walking into the lunchroom for the first time before meeting anyone, tightly gripping her tray in both hands and looking for a place to sit. You may be reading this and shrugging, thinking something like, I would just with any group and say ‘hi,’ no big whoop, and for that I hate you. It’s not as if I don’t know that’s possible and not even that big of a deal, but just thinking about it makes me break out in a cold sweat and feel that shaky, gotta-pee, nervous feeling. When I talk to someone new it goes one of two ways:
The first way, I babble on and on and make no sense whatsoever, making me feel embarrassed and as though I’ve annoyed the other person. When it’s finally, blessedly over, I find myself relieved that in most cases, I can just avoid that person for the rest of my life. In the rare cases where I can’t, it haunts me for every interaction I have with that person. I’ll end up only talking to them about whatever is causing us to have to interact, like a class project or something. I know I’ll be fine and I’ll get over it, but every once in awhile, I’ll be talking to them and randomly remember our first interactions and wonder if they think about it and assume they do and start rambling and babbling again; it’s an endless cycle.
The other way, I talk to them like a total normie and relate on multiple levels and have a great conversation. Afterwards, I’ll be so proud of the great first impression I made. But then I think about how that was a total fluke and what if next time I don’t live up to that first impression? And then next time we talk, I think about it again and how I want them to like me and how I want this conversation to go as well as the last. And then I start rambling.
OR bonus third option, I make a great first impression, realize it was a fluke, and never speak to them again.
So, yeah, hi, I’m Rachel.