thoughts

Goddamn Beautiful 

Why do we have to make everything out to be so goddamn beautiful? Not everything is a basket of roses (is that even a phrase? Whatever you get what I’m saying).

I know a guy who when I was first getting to know him seemed so interested in my history with sadness, and not in an inspiring, overcoming kind of way. Maybe he was just trying to relate, but I’d try to steer conversation to something lighter and more comfortable, and he’d steer it right back to literal depression. That, among numerous other things best left unsaid (eh, for now, anyway), really bothered me about him.

I think trying to make everything, especially depression, into something beautiful takes away from the truly wonderful moments in life.

I don’t think there’s beauty in sadness or pain. I think it’s like a belt that’s too tight. You feel like you can’t get rid of it, it’s what you have, it’s not like you feel like going out and getting a new one, you need one right now and a new one might be worse than this one, more shoddily made or even smaller, but even the first hole is too tight and uncomfortable and makes you feel like a busted biscuit can. And sometimes you get used to it and forget about it for a while, but suddenly you shift your weight, and there it is again, digging into your gut.

I’ve been having a really good week, though! Like my belt feels almost just right. In fact, right now, I’m feeling maybe the happiest I’ve felt in a good while. I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with my family this week, I’m on spring break, and I just spent the evening with my best friend and am spending the day with her again tomorrow! And as I’m typing this on my phone, lying in bed, my boyfriend is asleep behind me. He’s kind of half spooning me with his arm and leg thrown over me and his head nuzzled into my back, breathing in slow and deep. Every once in a while he half wakes up, readjusts and cuddles closer. I don’t know what it is but this is so comforting to me. I know soon he’ll get too hot or have to roll over, but right now I feel wonderful and happy and light and this moment is so goddamn beautiful.

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