Today is the first day

Today, is my first counseling appointment. I’m a wreck, I’ve been having a really stressful week, not sleeping well, feeling singled out at work, and I worked out yesterday, so that sucked. I woke up feeling super woozy and unable to focus on anything; I feel like barfing and crying and sleeping.

I have one class where the professor is an associate professor, which to me means he’s new, trying to get all his info out at his class, and hasn’t gotten his teaching legs beneath him. And that’s exactly how he is. When I try to pay attention in class, I can tell he knows what he’s talking about, but he just straight lectures the whole time, usually without pause, and when he asks a question and no one knows the answer instead of asking us if we don’t understand and explaining it differently (read: better), he just says the answer and keeps right on lecturing. The assignments, while they are based on class usually, take a lot of work for me. I mean, it’s not just the fault of the teacher, I could pay more attention, but it would certainly be easier if he was more experienced.

I mention this because they way I feel doing his homework, like I have to put in more effort than I usually would or should, mirrors the way I’ve been feeling for a few months now.

My work is awesome, and we have super flexible hours. We’re allowed to get our hours in whenever we can, just as long as we get half of them during usual business hours. If we don’t, this can result in a strike on your record. I work 20 hours a week, so 10 of them need to be Monday through Friday between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm. I usually work from 12:00 pm to 5:00 pm on Wednesdays and Fridays (among other hours). But the other day, my boss messaged me and told me he and the staff felt like I wasn’t around often enough. It wasn’t a reprimand or strike or anything, just a check in. But I do get more than half in during business hours, and I work really hard to do my best work and get things done on time despite the issues I’ve been battling. I explained my situation to him, when I worked, what I’ve been going through, etc. and my boss was nothing but kind and sympathetic and told me that my supervisor had even said he’d seen no decline in my work (in quality or quantity). He said if I needed to take a break from work for my mental health, that could be arranged.

But it just felt the same as the homework thing, but worse, because my job is really, really important to me. It gives me self-validation, that I’m not only in the right field for me (computer science), but that I’m good at it. Taking time off is the last thing I need to do. This just made me feel like I was doing everything right, getting my work done, getting my hours in, but it still wasn’t enough; that the staff, whom I love and look up to, were saying I was doing it, but not doing it enough.

I’m putting so much energy into school and work, that my social life has suffered. I have these two friends who I used to spend every Friday and Saturday night with. I used to go to club meetings with them and sometimes to a breakfast for dinner buffet on Thursdays. There are other factors as to why I haven’t spent as much time with them lately, nothing is black and white, but the biggest part of it is because I’m exhausted. I am so sorry that I haven’t been able to be there, but I just can’t right now. I’ve told them my situation and I hope they understand at least a little of what’s going on with me.

Now because of my mental state strain, I’m going to therapy for the first time ever today, and right now that stresses me out and scares me. I have no idea what to expect or say or do. Can I just have my therapist read this?

Hello, Therapist, how are you? Welcome to my blog, please fix me. I hope our session goes well.


2 thoughts on “Today is the first day”

  1. I remember feeling like this before my first therapy appointment. Five years later, and I still feel antsy beforehand. But, I can tell you that after, I feel so relieved and refreshed. I hope that you have a good experience as well!

    Liked by 1 person

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