anxiety, real life, Self improvement

Falling off the bandwagon in more ways than one

First, my presence on social media. My favorite social site is Instagram by far, I have two accounts (@racheltheharvey and @rachelswatches 😉) and I really do like uploading pictures with what I’m doing or what I think, and even plan posts in advance. But I haven’t been doing as much of that lately. Partly because my phone is at memory capacity, partly because I’ve been so busy lately. That’s why I haven’t been blogging as much in the past month or so, too. 

I just started my senior year of college and I seriously just wish I was already graduated. 

My summer ended nicely, I got fairly positive feedback from my internship and even interviewed for a real life, adult job before school started. 

My morale took a big hit though because of a decision made by my boss and the staff at my college job; they decided to demote me. No one can deny that I had a rough semester last spring, but this is a job I’m seriously passionate about and which I put maximum effort into as I struggled through grief, depression, and anxiety, things that are still affecting me today. I lost friends because all my effort was going into my job and my schoolwork, and I felt unappreciated and unnoticed by my superiors. I guess this proves me right, but I don’t want to go on too long and sound defensive or rude, but this has really caused me a lot of stress, anger, and most of all sadness. The only thing I can do now though is prove them wrong and earn a re-promotion. 

Sometimes I just feel like nothing is worth the effort though. I feel like I’ve lost the drive and motivation that has helped me excel academically and professionally in the past. 

In case you’re wondering, I have made an appointment with a counselor to talk about the anxiety and panic attacks I experienced this summer as well as my feelings and problems now. 

Another cause of stress and insecurity has been my recent weight gain, in the last year and a half or so I’ve gain upwards of 60 pounds I don’t need. I am a big comfort eater and not a big vegetable fan, a dangerous combination. So today was my first workout day. I started small, but I started and that can be the hardest part, so I’m hopeful. 

I’m also working on saving money. As well as being an emotional eater, I go in and out of retail therapy, especially since I’ve started loving and honestly collecting makeup. But I’ve cut back and I’m working to keep saving more than I’m spending. 

So, if you’ve made it this far, thank you  as you can see, I’ve got a lot of self improvement to do, but I’m determined to become a healthier me in every aspect. 

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therapy

Counseling?

I signed up for a counseling session at the center on my campus.

Students get 12 free individual sessions a year, or unlimited group sessions. I think individual sessions will be best for me; it’ll be hard enough for me to talk to one person let alone many. (She said, posting about it on the internet for millions to see.)

I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m pretty nervous about it, but I think I need this. I’ve always been weird and anxious and a little messed up, but I didn’t grow up in a family that talked about mental illness, or if they did, it was just my dad telling people on commercials for depression pills to  “just stop being so down all the time.” As if it were that easy.

I know what depression looks like for me though.

In high school, specifically sophomore year, I had a long stint where I would go home in the middle of the day because I felt sick. But I only felt sick, there were no tangible signs, like throwing up or having a temperature. I just didn’t want to be anywhere or have to do anything, I had no energy and felt listless and tired and pointless. I just wanted to stay in bed and nap and read books and forget about my insecurities and the evil voices in my head.

My depression is like an ugly little monster in the back of my brain, who whispers mean things to me and makes me think they’re true. He tells me my friends don’t like me, that I’m bad at my job, that people who are nice to me laugh at me when we stop talking. I fucking hate that guy.

But, I’ve been really happy in the last few years. I’ve gotten occasional visits from that little monster, but nothing too extreme. Recently, though, he’s been around, not saying anything very specific, just draining my energy and filling my head with buzzing noises to distract me from my real life.

My family went through some loss in November and December of last year, and that’s what kind of set me off on this particular bout.

Lately, I’ve stayed home from work and school some days. Coming back to this semester has felt pretty overwhelming, and my social life has suffered because I’m throwing myself into school and work, and they’re taking all my energy.

I am reminding myself to try to be calm, happy, and confident and to do the stuff that helps with that:

Stuff that makes me happy: thinking putty, My Little Pony, watching YouTube videos, tiny mystery toys, Pinterest, talking to my best friend about everything (even just over text), making people laugh

Stuff that makes me calm: reading, book binding, coding, writing, being with my boyfriend, learning all the words and singing along with songs

Stuff that makes me confident: makeup, Instagram (@racheltheharvey for ordinary life stuff, @rachelswatches for makeup), feedback (even if it’s critical, so long as it’s constructive), being productive, helping others learn

 

My first counseling appointment is in the middle of March, and I plan to continue going at least semi-regularly for at least this semester. I hope it will help me have more calm, happy, confident, normal days.