feeling

A song about grief and depression

“Winter In My Heart” by The Avett Brothers. Give it a listen.tree-530324_1920.jpgThis song describes exactly what depression is like to me. It’s about how you feel stuck and blue, even when you’re supposed to be celebrating:

A million colors fill my eyes
The roman candles and the stars
Calendar says July 4th
But it’s still winter in my heart

(Side note, a later lyric references August 1st, my birthday, just a coincidence, but perhaps makes it more meaningful to me in particular.)

Recently listening to it, I thought about grief, mine over the loss of my grandfather last November in particular. I felt like my family moved on and felt better so much faster than I could, that everyone felt normal again when I still feel this giant hole:

They say seasons turn in time
Theirs are changing, why won’t mine?

I don’t have too much else to say about it other than that it helps me and maybe it could help you, too. And to The Avett Brothers, thank you

anxiety, therapy, Uncategorized

Rollercoasters are fun unless they’re emotional

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( Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/santamonicapier-santamonica-sunset-1768005/ )

These past two weeks have been full of ups and downs for me. Rich and I signed a lease on an apartment! Work has been difficult with big deadlines coming up. The weather is turning towards the better! I’ve had two tests, homework assignments, and projects. Just everything moving, moving, moving so fast; I feel dizzy.

I had another meeting with my counselor, Billy today, and I think it went really well, that it’s really helping me.

Among other things, Billy reminded me to take time for myself, something I’ve been missing out on lately because of deadlines and tests and everything.

So tonight, I took like five hours and tried something new, this paper marbling technique I found on Pinterest. It was fun and I really like how my pieces turned out! I put them on my Etsy shop, Hermit Hobby Shop, if you’d like to check them out!

Deadlines are looming, though, for school and work; projects, projects, projects. Easter is this weekend, and it will be my family’s first without my grandfather. Easter was the holiday he was most involved in, and my family has many fun and different traditions that go with it (e.g. we have a basketball shootout with a cash prize).

I’ve been reminding myself of positive things; that every low part of the ride comes in between the peaks in this rollercoaster I’ve been on lately.

I’ve been feeling on top of things at work; my team and I made a list of all the things that needed done and signed our names to the ones we’d each do. I’ve already finished mine and agreed to take on another that my coworker was unsure of! I’ve still got a while on the school project that’s due and plan to start earlier than I did on the last one (which led me to a bit of a breakdown after I put it off for too long). As for the holiday, I know that my family will be together and carry on my grandfather’s traditions; it’ll be hard, but at least we’ll be together.

Even with the ups and downs of the last couple weeks, I’m feeling more myself again though, like this rollercoaster ride is almost over.