anxiety, feeling

Peeing in a skirt

That’s what I’m doing right now. Peeing in a skirt. Well, really I’m peeing in a toilet wearing a skirt. Wait-no-I’m wearing the skirt, not the toilet. I mean, this building is fancy but not that fancy. Actually this paragraph was pointless as I finished up my business a while ago. 

I’m hiding in the bathroom of my summer internship. It’s the end of my first week here and I have mixed feelings. It’s with an internet security company and the office culture is awesome. There’s only like ten people who work here and they are nice and cool and super smart. The main thing that bothers me is how utterly silent the office is. This is a problem for more than one reason. One, at my college job, which is awesome and which I’ll return to in the fall, I work with a bunch of, you guessed it, college aged people. There a big groups of friends and it is hardly ever quiet and even if it is there’s usually music playing somewhere. But here, there are occasional conversations, always short and always about work, and other than that, just the soft clack of computer keys. 

Another reason this is a problem is silence does anything but help me think and stay on track with a task. I start thinking about how what if I just shouted right now? Would everyone jump or would they even hear me, maybe it is so mind numbingly loud that it seems silent but they really wouldn’t even notice. Am I even real? Oh god to I have to fart? Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart. What if they really can hear me? 

But the biggest problem with the silence is that I am not a quiet person. I sing and hum and talk to myself and more inanimate than other humans. Or sometimes I think of a funny saying or something and just really have to hear it out loud. 

Even so, the quiet office isn’t the part that really gives me mixed feelings about this job. It’s that I’m in the wrong place for me professionally; I don’t work with security. I make iPhone apps and sometimes work with WordPress themes and plugins. I don’t have experience in the areas I’ll be working with this summer and I’m terrified I’ll do terribly and let down my boss and coworkers and fellow intern. Even if I can do it, what if I hate it? I mean, I already know it’s not my cup of tea, but if I hate it? What then? Can I even put this on a resume if I don’t want to do more work like it? I can’t quit because then I’ll have no money and a bad reputation in the industry community. 

I had a panic attack last night. I just spent all day on the verge of tears and felt like I couldn’t breathe and when I started telling Rich about it I just broke and freaked out. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about talking to a doctor and asking about anti anxiety medication but I don’t want to look like a druggie and I don’t even know if they’d help. But something’s gotta be better than nothing. 

I know that Billy would tell me to take time for myself, but how do I do that when I don’t have time? 

Thank God it’s Friday. Maybe the weekend will give me some time and some breathing room.

But it looks like the coast is clear to leave the bathroom. 

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I suck at introductions…

I mean, I seriously suck at introductions…

I hate the sound of a cafeteria. Those muddled sounds of conversation, laughter, utensils, etc. make me feel the way the buzzing of a giant horde of bugs probably makes other, more normal people feel. It makes me feel like the new kid in school, walking into the lunchroom for the first time before meeting anyone, tightly gripping her tray in both hands and looking for a place to sit. You may be reading this and shrugging, thinking something like, I would just with any group and say ‘hi,’ no big whoop, and for that I hate you. It’s not as if I don’t know that’s possible and not even that big of a deal, but just thinking about it makes me break out in a cold sweat and feel that shaky, gotta-pee, nervous feeling. When I talk to someone new it goes one of two ways:

The first way, I babble on and on and make no sense whatsoever, making me feel embarrassed and as though I’ve annoyed the other person. When it’s finally, blessedly over, I find myself relieved that in most cases, I can just avoid that person for the rest of my life. In the rare cases where I can’t, it haunts me for every interaction I have with that person. I’ll end up only talking to them about whatever is causing us to have to interact, like a class project or something. I know I’ll be fine and I’ll get over it, but every once in awhile, I’ll be talking to them and randomly remember our first interactions and wonder if they think about it and assume they do and start rambling and babbling again; it’s an endless cycle.

The other way, I talk to them like a total normie and relate on multiple levels and have a great conversation. Afterwards, I’ll be so proud of the great first impression I made. But then I think about how that was a total fluke and what if next time I don’t live up to that first impression? And then next time we talk, I think about it again and how I want them to like me and how I want this conversation to go as well as the last. And then I start rambling.

OR bonus third option, I make a great first impression, realize it was a fluke, and never speak to them again.

So, yeah, hi, I’m Rachel.